When Felix Petate, more popularly known as Sassa Gurl, withdrew his support from senatorial aspirant Heidi Mendoza who did not espouse same sex marriage, I was confused. The latter’s stand did not cause me any form of agitation because, last time I checked, we are in a democracy — we must learn to respect each other’s political and personal choices, even those whose beliefs and opinions are like chalk and cheese.

Whether Mendoza’s reasons were rooted in her religious convictions, confidence in the sanctity and the institution of marriage, or personal judgment, the most important thing here is that she was honest about it. To vilify and present her as insensitive to the grounds that gay men and women are fighting for is outright callous and demanding.

As to Petate’s decision to withdraw support from Mendoza, I understand it well. Same sex marriage is an important issue to gay people and all the added alphabets that now represent the diverse rainbow community. Other paramount issues to the community, to enumerate a few, are equality, protection and prohibition of discrimination based on a person’s expression of sexual expression and gender identity.

Mendoza’s candor and Petate’s discontinuation of support earned emotional outbursts, violent reactions and enlightened essays that were available on various social media platforms.

Thus, I cannot help but wonder, with all the informed and well-written points of view plus the hatred and vitriol that were made public, did it even move the bigoted and cynical for them to realize that gay rights are not different from the rights they enjoy and have?  Pray tell, what did all these “bardagulan,” “pagalingan,” “patalinuhan” and “tarayan” achieve and what gains did they bring to the divided Filipino pink community?

Role models and realities

There were no gay role models for Gen Xers growing up. We had, during the best years of our lives, Nora Aunor (+), Vilma Santos, Maricel Soriano and Sharon Cuneta.  You were either team Madonna or team Cindy Lauper.  The princes were all from Disney: Snow White’s Prince Florian, Cinderella’s Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Phillip. The heartthrobs of choices were Aga Muhlach, Gabby Concepcion, Raymond Lauchengo, Miguel Rodriguez and Herbert Bautista.

As kids, our Baby Boomer parents watched Dolphy as Pacifica Falayfay and Omeng Satanasia, always the caricature dressing kind — loud, mischievous and naughty, and sources of amusement. Many opine that these characters were liberated for their times.  The gay with the heart of gold, when we were in elementary and in short pants, was also Dolphy, who gave us Coring, in Ang Tatay Kong Nanay. Here, the late great Comedy King was self-sacrificing, understanding and the one gay man who never regretted things he did and gave for love, which was the unrequited kind. That was the ideal gay persona.

In college, it was Roderick Paulate’s time to slay the box office. All the gay characters Paulate gave life on screen and television were loquacious, witty, could verbally assault a bully or a fag-hag, heavily made-up, with shoulder pads galore and cross-dressing.

Most of Paulate’s characters in the movie never had lovers. True, there were flirtations here and there with handsome starlets, but it never went overboard. The only gay character that showed Paulate with a lover was in Maala-ala Mo Kaya, which happened during the 90s. The parlor queen Ernest with an ex, a married straight man Ernest, who loved him as well for eight years.  Just like Coring, Ernest did not know how to compute, and gave his all to the character of Tonton Gutierrez, who displayed affection and sincerity.

Dolphy’s Coring and Paulate’s Ernest did not care about gay rights. What was fundamental to the gay men and women during that time was love and how it is to be loved. Giving more love to the partner than getting it back.  Giving until it hurts and makes you bleed. Never regretting the small and bigger sacrifices, because it was always worth it for as long as you did it for love, and those acts of kindness and compassion from the lover were always more than sufficient.

During those wonder years, the boys, girls, baklas and tomboys peacefully co-existed. For gays and lesbians, it was up to you if you wanted to be butch or femme. There were no rules on what paths to take.  What was important then were kindness, honesty, diskarte, friendships, intelligence both from the mind and heart, shared experiences, listening, understanding, trust and loyalty.

When it comes to relationships or romances, it was always gone for broke, touch and go, sink or swim, and experience the saying: “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

For many gay Gen Xers like this columnist, the joy and meaning of love outweighs the pain of loss; and it’s better to have known and experienced it, even for a short time, than to never experience it at all.

Of course, there was bullying, physical, emotional and to some, even sexual abuses. There was the burden for a gay person to excel academically, be emotionally mature at an early ag, and rise above the condemnation, jokes and ridicule.

The hungry, struggling years, however, made gay Gen Xers courageous, determined and disciplined. They earned their keep and flourished in their chosen careers. They became compassionate, still loving till it hurts, but already knew how to love themselves more and first.