I had the tiniest brush with the life Chiz Escudero and Heart Evangelista live. Unbelievable life. For a day.

I was at Balesin Pines. Alphaland Baguio Mountain Lodges. Beautiful, incredulous, pine trees, gorgeous views… broke. Completely broke. But that’s fine. I appreciate beauty. I’m classy like that.

I woke up in a log cabin. Mountains all around. Balesin Pines has 18 rooms. Makes sense. What is exclusivity aside from knowing that, if someone coughs in the hallway, it’s probably Chiz? Incredible pressure! Incredible reality check.

Every coffee I sip tastes like P58-million ring energy. Everybody thinks the ring was three times Chiz’s SALN. Fake news! Maybe P1 million. I laughed so hard I almost spilled the champagne I couldn’t afford.

Alphaland says there’s no home listed under Escudero or any company associated with him. Heart is a member. Apparently, Chiz? Plus one. Apparently, it’s a club with rules you can’t read and privileges you can’t afford.

I could pretend, of course, that I wasn’t an outsider. Even my imagination couldn’t keep up.

I checked the room for hidden cameras. I couldn’t believe anyone would voluntarily let people like me into a place this refined.

Japanese tubs, balconies, handwoven fabrics, everything conspiring to make you feel inadequate.

The tub. Beautiful. But how do you even operate this thing? Knobs. Levers. Buttons. Water is either scalding or ice cold. I tried to fill it. Splash, splash. Water everywhere. Floor soaked. Slip. Near face-plant. Unbelievable humiliation. Why does everything in this suite demand intelligence I do not have? Until it hits you. Of course. It’s members only.

Then there is this person. You feel it immediately. Didn’t belong. Trying to climb, pretending to know which wine goes with which cheese at Yum Cha restaurant. She didn’t even know what raclette is. I thought, “Excuse me, you’re supposed to melt the cheese...”

Tried to cut the raclette herself in her story. Staff looked at me. I looked at them. Unbelievable unspoken solidarity. We all knew: You don’t touch raclette unless you belong here.

The hiking trail was brief, unless you have the stamina of a sloth on a bad day. The trees are polite standing there, swaying, looking rich, very subtle pine scent. I inhale. The lungs feel richer already.

The whole time there I had the nagging suspicion my ancestors were laughing at me from beyond the clouds. I love clouds. They’re fluffy, huge; either they make everything look expensive or the clouds look more expensive up there. Balesin Baguio has a chapel above those clouds.

You have to understand that, if you’re spending millions for a mountaintop wedding (in Balesin like Chiz and Heart), the ROI is incredible. Return of emotion. Memories, bragging rights; the IG posts generate envy that’s practically an asset.

You notice the guests. Beautiful people. Elegant. Polite. Then you glance at the other people, the ones who can’t afford this. Probably dreaming of their own mountaintop wedding at home with a broom for a bouquet.

“As long as we love each other, we’ll figure it out.”

Ha! You’ll figure out you’re broke.

I laughed. Not meanly, I promise. You either do it or watch Chiz and Heart on social media while crying into your instant noodles.