What do you get when you mix millions of pesos in confidential funds, a vice president with a flair for the dramatic, and a name like Mary Grace Piattos? Apparently, not a crime thriller — but a full-blown comedy series that’s got the entire nation binge-watching.

As VP Sara Duterte’s impeachment trial inches closer, her “list of recipients” is starting to read less like a ledger and more like the credits of a low-budget sitcom.

It all began with Mary Grace Piattos — a name so suspiciously snackable that netizens had to pause and ask: wait, is this a government payee or someone’s merienda?

For context, Mary Grace is a beloved chain of cafés and kiosks while Piattos, of course, is every student’s favorite crinkly junk food. Put them together and you get a person who sounds more like a comfort food combo than a government operative. If this were a code name, it was done with the subtlety of a neon sign in a blackout.

But the popcorn didn’t stop popping there. After Piattos came other names — increasingly bizarre, occasionally bordering on the satirical. There’s Chippy McDonald, Fernando Tempura, Carlos Oishi and Jay Kamote to name a few. Not for long, critics, comedians, and conspiracy theorists alike began floating names like Jonel Adidas, Mylene Inasal and even Liza Mac Spaghetti.

At this point, the public wasn’t even mad — they were entertained. What began as an alleged misuse of funds has morphed into a bizarre national parlor game: “Guess the Next Fictitious Fund Beneficiary.”

Twitter (or whatever we’re calling it now) has turned into a battleground of meme-makers, with some suggesting that Jollibee Bonifacio was VP Sara’s top security consultant, and Tonyo Starbucks her spiritual adviser. Others say Chippy de la Cruz helped encrypt her office WiFi while Pastor Quaker Oats blessed the confidential fund itself. The satire writes itself.

Of course, this is no laughing matter… or, well, it is, but it shouldn’t be. This money — we’re talking hundreds of millions — was supposed to be used for matters of national security, not national comedy. The bigger question still looms: where did all that confidential money go? And more importantly, will anyone be held accountable?

For now, the VP maintains her innocence, issuing statements that range from the cryptic to the downright confrontational, all while projecting the cool confidence of someone who either knows she’s untouchable or knows her fan base won’t care regardless.

Meanwhile, her allies have gone on defense mode, crying political persecution, witch hunt, and (the classic) destabilization plot. But even they can’t help but wince when Chichay Lucky Me appears in the latest exposé.

As her impeachment trial nears, the nation is torn — not between guilt and innocence, but between outrage and utter disbelief. How did we go from budget hearings to snack attacks? From national accountability to national stand-up comedy?

One thing’s for sure: if transparency is the best disinfectant, then humor might just be the best coping mechanism. As the Senate prepares for what should be a somber, constitutional reckoning, the Filipino public — ever resourceful, ever sarcastic — has already tuned in, popcorn in hand, ready for the next episode of Sara’s Secret Files.

e-mail: mannyangeles27@gmail.com.