Nosy Tarsee’s got a whodunit story, except the mystery is where the main character went.

Our story begins with a man who was once impossible to miss. Big frame, bigger presence, biggest mouth when the cameras were rolling. He built a whole career on being the guy who finds people. Remember all those “surrender or die” press conferences? The man practically invented the search-and-seizure selfie.

Funny thing about karma, though. It has a sense of humor.

These days, sources tell Nosy Tarsee, certain international lawyers with very serious briefcases have developed quite an interest in finding him instead. And wouldn’t you know it? The same fellow who never met a manhunt he didn’t love to broadcast has suddenly gone camera-shy about his own whereabouts.

Senate colleagues play coy. “Baka nasa probinsya (Maybe he’s in the province),” shrugs one, not quite making eye contact. Meanwhile, certain courtrooms in a certain European city keep an empty chair warm, waiting.

Nosy Tarsee finds it deliciously ironic. The hunter, now the hunted. The man who made “tokhang” a household word, now allegedly harder to serve papers to than a deadbeat tenant avoiding rent.

Speaking of sightings, rumors made the rounds this week that the supposed fugitive was seen at a mammoth Iglesia Ni Cristo rally, blending into the crowd, bold as brass.

Nosy Tarsee checked with her usual eagle-eyed contacts, and the tea is cold on this one because it didn’t check out. No photos, no confirmed sighting, just one overexcited group-chat forward that mutated into “fact” by the third retelling.

A classic case of wishful thinking dressed up as an eyewitness report. So scratch that theory off the board, Sherlock wannabes. The missing man wasn’t rubbing elbows at any rally.

Wherever he is, he’s apparently smarter than that.