Even fishmongers (our apologies to fishmongers) argue with more grace than Philippine National Police chief General Nicolas Torre III and Acting Davao City Mayor Sebastian “Baste” Duterte. What we witnessed Sunday — or rather, what we didn’t — was a non-event so laughable it cheapened both prizefighting and public service with one wicked left hook that was never thrown.

Duterte and Torre, supposedly grown men holding serious government positions, decided to act out their testosterone on social media like schoolyard bullies daring each other to throw the first punch. All very “pitikin mo nga sa tenga” (flick his ear) and “hawakan mo sa tungki ng ilong” (grab him by the tip of his nose).

They engaged in a pissing contest that Torre dressed up as a fundraiser — a charity bout, a spectacle, really, of their foolish proclivities. It ended up a flex contest with poor Filipinos as the captive audience.

Baste puffed up his chest first, warning Torre (in version two of his podcast) that he’d “beat him up” — but only if the President, no less, among many others first took a drug test — as if public policy now hinged on follicle samples.

Torre didn’t rise above the fray. We have a word for that: “patolero,” someone who takes the bait, always ready for a petty fight or drama. He laced up, trained like a man half his age, and posted videos of himself jogging, shadow boxing and working the bags like a senator-in-training.

Let’s not pretend this wasn’t a Senate audition. Torre’s posturing was pure populist theater, lifted from the Ping Lacson and Bato dela Rosa playbook — retire as PNP chief, run for the Senate, bask in tough-guy glory.

Say what you will about Lacson — he, too, had a flair for drama. But at least he didn’t shadow box his way into office. Others, like Bong Revilla Jr., danced their way in — and out — with less dignity.

Back to the fight — that wasn’t. The undercards were done, the crowd roared and the belt donated by Manny Pacquiao gleamed under the lights.

Except Baste had flown to Singapore with his family, flaunting a DILG-approved travel permit that predated Torre’s event. A convenient escape hatch. Typical Baste — skipping his own publicity stunt, just as he reportedly skipped a previous challenge to a gun duel.

So Torre stood alone in the ring, declared the winner by default, and claimed the high ground. He said P20 million had been raised — from ticket sales and donations for storm victims. A noble cause, for sure. But so are school feeding programs, and we don’t see generals arm-wrestling mayors to fund those.

As for Baste — he’s been exposed not as a fighter, but as a flake who taunted, teased, then tucked his tail. His father built a reputation on crackdowns, but the son may find it harder to shake his new tag: the Missing Boksingero.

And Torre? Playing dress-up in shorts that weren’t even Everlast. Congratulations, general — not for winning, but for perfectly capturing the state of our politics: loud, empty, and always ready to throw a punch — so long as it’s for show.