Vice President Sara Duterte’s rant at an unholy hour on Saturday morning wasn’t just a display of misplaced bravado — it was a chaotic journey through the windmills of her mind, where reason was thrown out the window in favor of political theater and wild threats. Logic took a backseat to spectacle, and assassination plots were casually tossed around like confetti at a coup d’état.

It was a tragicomedy that surely left the nation asking, “Is this an official statement, or did we accidentally tune into a telenovela written during a caffeine crash?” After all, when the second highest official of the land casually reveals that she has put out a contract on the President, the First Lady, and the House Speaker — just in case she herself is killed — it’s not exactly business as usual.

Okay, class, let’s sing to the tune of Matchbox Twenty’s “Unwell.”

Unhinged (Assassin’s Edition)

All day staring at the ceiling

Plotting moves that could make the nation fall

All night hearing voices telling me

That my threats ran too deep

And tomorrow’s spin might need some bluffing.

Hold on, I’m realizing my words caused a shakedown.

No alibi.

I’m not crazy, I’m just a little too loud.

I thought my plan would wow the crowd.

But now the fallout’s here, and they will see

The scandal tied to me.

Duterte, whose past includes physically assaulting a court sheriff for merely doing his job, reminded us again that diplomacy isn’t her strong suit — but threats? Oh, she’s got those down pat. Her dramatic warning, less Shakespearean tragedy and more Saturday Night Live sketch, had the kind of audacity that only someone truly overconfident — and perhaps a little unwise or unwell — could muster.

I’m not careless, I’m just a little too bare

I spoke too soon and left a tear

And soon enough, the headlines will decree

The chaos tied to me.

What’s truly remarkable is her unflinching self-awareness — or lack thereof. One moment she’s projecting the gravitas of a warlord; the next, it’s like she’s auditioning for Mean Girls: Malacañang Edition. The dark corners of her mind keep enveloping us, but to what end? Is this a cunning political maneuver, or has she stumbled onto a new level of public spectacle?

Talking to myself in public

While my rivals call me insane

And I know, I know they’ve all been laughing at me

I can feel the snickers

And it makes me wish I hadn’t spilled so recklessly.

Take this with a dose of Queensryche’s Silent Lucidity, if you dare, but the nation might not know whether to laugh or cry. Still, one thing is certain: Sara knows how to keep the chaos spinning.