Watching The Super Mario Galaxy feels like staring at a series of Super Mario gift wrappers, all noisily designed with a galaxy of characters. Or a ’90s Trapper Keeper cover. You watch a blur of colorful characters move across the frame, yet you sit there numb, like you are on the wrong kind of antidepressants.

That’s how shockingly empty this sequel is.

Returning directors Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic, alongside screenwriter Matthew Fogel, pack the film with a thousand thin subplots, then bombard the audience with one climactic action sequence after another, as if designed for toddlers with vanishing attention spans.

The story follows Princess Rosalina (Brie Larson), the mother of stars, who is captured by Bowser Jr. (Benny Safdie). Princess Peach then sets out on a kaleidoscopic quest to save her. Meanwhile, at the margins, the beloved Brooklyn plumbers Mario (Chris Pratt) and Luigi (Charlie Day) join the mission, along with Yoshi (Donald Glover).

It plays like nearly two hours of cheap franchise advertising, with the big screen reminding you of Mario bed sheets, pencil cases, bags, and pencils. At least the merchandise can still evoke the thrill of ownership and a sense of nostalgia. This "movie" feels as emotionally distant as a faraway galaxy, or like entering a Super Mario themed party where neither the celebrant nor the guests have arrived.

It is so hollow that I began to feel a kind of existential fatigue. Bright colors and nonstop rapid-fire action sequences hit me again and again, bordering on torture. And was that the fox from Zootopia?

There is one moment where I chuckled at a miniature Bowser (Jack Black) sifting through canvases of his own paintings, evidence of his chosen rehabilitation therapy. But, even that, my companion pointed out, already appeared in the trailer.

This is not a movie. This is an extended reel for babies who need constant stimulation. If the first film had heart, soul, and a genuine sense of nostalgic wonder (it was one of my best films of 2023), this one looks garish and drags you into the deepest recesses of scary emptiness.

The Super Mario Galaxy offers nothing but sensory overload. No wit. No stakes. No substance. Just a cold, corporate montage. Loud and empty commercialism.

0.5 out of 5 stars

Now showing in Philippine cinemas