Marrying an ‘afam’: Tips for a happy multiracial home

“What is ‘afam’?” influential Filipino-American business leader Loida Nicolas Lewis asked DAILY TRIBUNE when the publication asked for her advice to those who want to marry “a foreigner assigned in Manila” (afam).

Upon learning that “afam” is this generation’s colloquial term for foreign visitors, Loida, who married a foreigner herself, said: “No, no, I’m not recommending you marry a foreigner.”

“All that I’m saying is that for a woman like me, a very, very hard-charging, very ambitious, etc. Sometimes, a Filipino man can’t handle that, okay? So that’s why sometimes, an older gentleman who is either divorced or widowed will be able to see the progress of this very hard-charging woman because he is already successful.”

A lawyer in both the Philippines and New York, Loida fell in love and stayed married with Reginald Francis Lewis until his sudden passing to brain cancer in 1993. Reginald was reportedly the first African-American to build a billion-dollar company, TLC Beatrice International Holdings Inc., and was listed by Forbes as among the richest Americans.

“If you’re married to a king, you don’t settle for a prince,” she said when asked why she didn’t remarry and instead focused on her and Reginald’s two daughters and by now, five grandchildren.

According to her, having an affair is not only immoral, but also not financially sound: “You have to pay for two families, OK?”

Sticking to the golden rule, she said, is the secret to a happy relationship not only with one’s partner but with everyone.

“If you want to be treated well, then you treat others well they are whether they are janitor or CEO (chief executive officer),” she affirmed.

A relationship, whether for a couple of the same nationalities or not, must be based on “give and take” to work. Thus, Loida advised acknowledging the leadership of the husband for a happy home.

“Sometimes, there is only one CEO in the family. And if the Filipino man is the CEO, and the wife is also the CEO, it’s hard to remain together,” she said.

For a Filipina dreaming to marry an afam, oppa or any foreigner, her suggestion is: “She really has to adjust to the mores, to the culture of the country she’s going to. Because it’s not Philippines, so she has to adjust.”

“But I’m glad to say that the Filipina women are very good at adjusting,” she noted.

Loida continued her husband’s legacy as an entrepreneur and a philanthropist and by continuing his unfinished memoir, which later turned out to become her first book, Why Should Guys Have All the Fun? An Asian American Story of Love, Marriage, Motherhood and Running a Billion-Dollar Empire.

“So then the publisher said, ‘Why did you put Asian American?’ During that time, there was Asian hate. I wanted people to know that an Asian American is just like any American. We have hopes. We have dreams. We have failures, you know, and we have success,” she expounded on why she put An Asian American Story of Love, Marriage, Motherhood and Running a Billion-Dollar Empire in the title of her Why Should Guys Have All the Fun? book.

Recently, Loida launched her second book Look Younger When You’re Older, about her secrets to looking young “with no Botox or surgery” at 80.

“The three secrets of my success is number one, goal setting. Second, obedience — to the code of ethics, 10 commandments, the golden rule… Number three, determination — whatever you wish for in life, just work hard toward it. So if you put them together — goal setting, obedience and determination — they spell ‘GOD’.”