Did anyone in the SSS even think that maybe, just maybe, this is insane?

One-hundred forty-three thousand rolls of toilet paper. P13.19 million.

The SSS must’ve thought contributors are in the business of wiping the entire country’s behind. Retirees or water, which one are they saving?

Clearly, some ass is living a better life than most retirees. How many washrooms do you need in your office?

At P92 per roll, we’d rather wipe our hands with gold bars. Tell us, why do school armchairs cost less than your wipes? Most of it isn’t even in the warehouse. Certainly, the SSS is cleaning something. And it’s imaginary.

The people at SSS can sit in the loo some thousand times and they’ll still have enough to wipe someone’s conscience. Wipe, wipe, wipe. Like a billionaire. Pull a sheet. Flush the problem. Poof! Evidence gone.

Were they aiming for clean posteriors or a very, very clean scandal? Genius-level incompetence. Never underestimate it.

And then this: P24.8 million in pensions paid to the dead. Can SSS even spot a corpse if it applied for a loan? The “verification process” is clearly a horror story. 

Illegal payments to the dead. Let’s pretend no one saw it. Ignorance is bliss when you can retire beautifully.

Somebody bought something nice, and we promise you none of them were in a coffin. Because for P24 million to reach the dead, it clearly had to pass through the living. 

Can the SSS explain why dying somehow increases our chances of getting government benefits? Because the living must feel really unlucky right now.

The only time bureaucracy moves fast is when the money is going to people who can’t talk.

Think. P595 million owed to members for overpayments, sitting unrefunded. Salaries, calamity, separated-member loans, while staff pocket fat Christmas bonuses.

P333 million in cash gifts. P50,000 each. PRAISE. My God. You’d hate to see what they punish. 

“Program on Awards and Incentives for Service Excellence.” Excellence in what? Mismanaging funds? Flushing money down imaginary toilets? Or burying treasures in the cemetery?

SSS rewards itself for “productivity savings.” Sounds more like “we saved money by staying silent about the mess we created.” In the real world, this would get you fired. In SSS Land? The bonuses appear and the auditors wonder where SSS hid the body.

How? Because performance is unmeasurable. It’s a paradise for graft. If work is invisible and the reward is visible (so big you’d think they finally fixed the system), you don’t need oversight as much as the courage to stop laughing at your own genius. You don’t need an investigation to know who are the real beneficiaries here.