Dear Honorable Members of the House of Representatives:

We heard congratulations are in order. You’ve successfully achieved something truly remarkable: suspending the only honest, funny, fearless member in the entire chamber. You should be proud. Proudly pathetic that is. World record for overreaction officially yours.

Kiko Barzaga, the only congressman who actually says what he thinks, joked about burning the house down. The House of Representatives. Just a joke. Nobody even had, for a second, thought to call QC Fire. Then, oh, it gets better. You dug up some old posts, decided they were offensive and, suddenly, the man is “tarnishing the integrity of Congress.”

Sure, because the House’s reputation is sterling, untouchable, carved out of pure honesty and public service. Right.

If comedy threatens your integrity, then your integrity was never very strong to begin with.

Where in the ethics manual does it say “Thou shall not be funny,” that your majority mistook laughter for treason? Honesty, insubordination? You want Kiko to behave like a statesman. Like the people had already met one.

You suspended him over old posts: harmless in their day, suddenly dangerous because he’s inconvenient.

If benign jokes about Women’s Month are misogyny, what do you call voting against women’s rights for years straight? A kid with jokes is more threatening than officials with corruption cases because jokes spread faster and corruption hits too close to home.

You demand that Kiko delete 24 posts in question within 24 hours. Great. Maybe consider deleting four years of legislative laziness, your taxpayer-funded vacation sessions, your hypocrisy and self-importance, too? Your archives could use a sweep. You’re welcome.

But we suspect archives like yours are sacred, where the House keeps evidence of your professional inadequacy. Then setting it on fire would be the real service to the nation. 

You flagged Kiko’s cash selfies. Open everyone’s SALN, why don’t you?

If the House ever went up in flames (figuratively, obviously) it wouldn’t be because of Kiko showing up with a can of gasoline (the House hasn’t seen that much imagination in years), but the sheer friction of this institution trying to micromanage the fun police while pretending to legislate.

Honestly, if you’re that scared of the fire, maybe you should stop lighting your reputations on it every week?

But certainly, suspend him. Very brave. Ultra heroic. Two-hundred forty-nine lawmakers terrified of a joke. The strongest institution in the world if trembling is counted.

If democracy had a sense of humor, it would look like Kiko Barzaga, while you are discovering, very painfully, that censorship is the last refuge of those who can’t win a debate.

You say Kiko Barzaga is reckless, dangerous, maybe “mentally ill,” all the things that terrify the likes of you. And maybe, once and for all, stop confusing yourselves with legislators.

The only dangerous thing in Congress is honesty. You fear everyone realizes people are actually allowed to talk like that. It is a rare thing, seeing honesty so unpolished. Rarer still to see an institution so unprepared for it.