The haunting of Claire Castro

Claire Castro called the Vice President “Chucky.” I know, I know.

Honestly, Claire’s the one who should come with a sticker on her forehead: “Spins quickly, bites questions, possibly haunted. Wear protective gear.”

You are forced, reluctantly, to consider possession as the more charitable explanation. 

Someone coughs in the direction of the President and — bam! — she’s airborne. This is someone who thinks Bongbong lives inside her chest and must be defended at all hours. A reporter would ask a neutral question, and something leaves her body and enters the microphone.

The room could be empty and she’d still be yelling at a chair just in case it works for Rappler.

At some point the spox stops speaking for the President and starts speaking as the President, to the demons she imagines are everywhere.

“Out, unclean spirit!” Claire: “We deny the premise of that question and reject the insinuation.”

Bongbong? He looks like he authorized the tantrum. Worse, like he needs it. A President under fire sometimes needs someone reckless on the front lines. Someone willing to get messy, to take the punches that would otherwise hit him, while most Presidents mostly ask to be explained instead of avenged.

Because Bongbong wants us to think he’s selling calm. Continuity. The illusion that the floods are over. He’s selling normal. Claire Castro detonates that brand every time she opens her mouth.

A real spokesperson absorbs damage. Claire? You don’t leave a Claire briefing thinking, “Ah, I understand policy.” Instead, you leave thinking, “Was that about policy? Or was that about her?”

You don’t argue with Claire anymore. You perform a ritual. Holy water. Latin. 

Sara can handle herself. But what she needs is a counterpuncher because even legends who punched a sheriff don’t throw every punch themselves.

We really thought it was Rowena Guanzon. You got excited too.

Barda Queen. Bongbong Killer. One of the finest bullies this country has ever seen. Her rates? Maybe pro bono if the target is Marcos-related.

If this is persecution versus Sara, someone call Guanzon — she’ll show them how it’s done. Rabid Claire wouldn’t survive one news cycle.

She’d impersonate BBM’s “ngiwi” (rolling jaw) and her jaw will get stuck. Like it fought back.

At first it would look intentional, like she’s holding the punchline. But then her eyes would shift, just slightly, like she’s trying to unlock her face. H-hhheeelp.

But the show’s over. Absolutely no fun. In Guanzon’s place? Someone who opens with, “I’m not here to be an attack dog.”

Bo-rrriiing. Someone get her a seatbelt and a helmet, please. Sara’s under siege. And this woman Ruth speaks gently, while Claire and the House pelt Sara with bricks?

And Bongbong? Laughing at the Chucky joke the way only a man who survived Guanzon can laugh: like you know you’re next, but not today.