A smoker's story: Collapse, withdrawal, hope

I used to wake up to the sting of smoke in my throat and call it normal. It was the first thing I reached for every morning, even before water. Even before prayer. A stick between my fingers felt like control, like power over the chaos in my head. It wasn’t just a habit. It became home. For almost 11 years, I lived in that smoke-filled silence, believing it was helping me survive.

But what I didn’t see was what it was slowly taking from me.

Not just my money. Not just my health. It took the quiet joys — breathing deeply, laughing freely, walking without gasping. It took away patience, softness, presence. And when you lose those things, you don’t notice it at once. It happens in tiny, silent ways. Until one day, you wake up and realize you’re not yourself anymore. You’re tired, angry, coughing, shaking. And somehow, you still light another one.

Then came vaping, the shiny, flavored trap. I thought I was evolving. I was just giving myself another way to stay addicted. It was the same prison, painted differently. Still toxic. Still owning me.

But it wasn’t until I found myself struggling to breathe while doing nothing— just sitting still — that I realized I was falling apart. My lungs felt like they were shrinking. I was only in my thirties, but I felt older. Weaker. Broken.

That’s when I decided. 30 April 2025: I quit

Cold turkey. No slow weaning. No step-by-step plan. I just stopped. Because something inside me — maybe the last healthy part left — was screaming loud enough for me to finally hear it.

And that scream became silence.

And the silence became withdrawal.

And withdrawal felt like dying.

I was angry. At everything. I snapped at people who were just trying to help. I couldn’t sleep. I’d shake in the middle of the night like my body was fighting with itself. I’d cry for no reason, then sit frozen for hours, unable to focus, unable to think. I was restless and paranoid, like my skin didn’t fit me anymore. I avoided people because I was ashamed of who I was becoming.

And yet — I held on.

Because even when I felt like a shell of who I used to be, I still believed there was someone underneath all of this who deserved a second chance. Someone who deserved peace. Someone who wanted to live.

And that person is slowly coming back.

My lungs are still healing. My cough still echoes some nights. The phlegm still reminds me that I hurt myself for over a decade. But I’m starting to breathe again. My skin is clearing. My thoughts are quieter. My heart doesn’t race for nothing anymore. The grip of addiction is loosening its hold, one difficult day at a time.

I now know what freedom feels like.

And it tastes like air. Pure, hard-earned air.

To you who are still in it — who smoke or vape to cope, to belong, to feel less alone — I see you. I won’t tell you to quit like it’s easy. I know it’s not. I won’t shame you. Addiction isn’t weakness. It’s a wound we’ve learned to live with. But healing is possible. It’s messy. It’s painful. It’s terrifying. But it’s also real.

You are not weak for falling into it. But you are strong for even thinking of quitting.

Don’t wait for your lungs to beg you. Don’t wait for the sleepless nights, the wheezing, the hospital visits. Don’t wait until you’re staring at yourself in the mirror wondering where all your strength went.

Choose yourself before it’s too late. Take it one minute at a time, one breath at a time.

I was a smoker, but now I'm learning to breathe again. If I can find my way back, so can you. You don't have to do it alone.

If you or someone you love is struggling with nicotine addiction, help is available.

The Department of Health (DOH) in the Philippines offers free support through the Quitline.

DOH Quitline Hotline: 1558 (toll-free using PLDT landlines)

You can also text STOPSMOKE to 29290-1558

Or email quitnow@doh.gov.ph