'How to not die alone:' A guide on finding love that works

There’s this thought that always runs through our heads when we’re alone, lonely, perhaps a little wine-tipsy—"Will I die alone?" "Is it a me problem?" "Why can’t I find someone?" "Why am I still single?"

We ask ourselves these questions more often than we’d like to admit. we try to work on ourselves — we hit the gym, eat better, practice mindfulness, and try to be kinder. And yet, we still find ourselves alone. 

So when I picked up How to Not Die Alone by Logan Ury, I was hoping to finally get some answers.

Ury, a dating coach and matchmaker, breaks down the different ways we unknowingly sabotage ourselves when it comes to love. She identifies three types of daters who struggle the most:

The Romanticizer. You believe in soulmates, happily-ever-afters, and love that just magically happens. You think you're single because you haven’t met "the one" yet. Your motto? "It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen."

The Maximizer. You overanalyze every decision, making sure you explore all your options before committing to anything. Your motto? "Why settle?"

The Hesitater. You keep waiting to become the perfect version of yourself before you even start dating. Your motto? "I’ll wait until I’m ready."

I saw bits of myself in all three.

One of the most powerful takeaways from this book was Ury’s discussion about mindset. She introduces two ways people view relationships:

1. The Soulmate mindset. Believing that happiness in love is all about finding the right person. If things don’t work out, it’s because they weren’t "the one."

2. The Work-It-Out mindset. Understanding that love takes effort and commitment. Even great relationships require work, growth, and resilience.

If I’m being honest, I was stuck in the soulmate mindset. I wanted love to just happen to me. But Ury makes it clear: If we want a meaningful, lasting relationship, we have to create love. We have to be active participants in our own love stories. 

We have to take action. 

Many people hesitate to date because they feel unprepared, fearing rejection or failure. But waiting only leads to missed opportunities. Instead of endlessly delaying, Ury encourages readers to set a deadline, take small steps, and commit to the process, knowing that the only way to learn is through experience. Her advice is not about rushing into a relationship, but about being open, proactive, and willing to engage with the world around us.

She also takes aim at the fairytales we’ve been fed our whole lives — Disney movies, rom-coms, and the idea that once we meet "the one," everything will magically fall into place. But the truth? Relationships take work, and even Prince Charming probably has morning breath. 

Another part that hit me hard was her breakdown of Maximizers vs. Satisficers. Maximizers (like me) tend to obsess over finding the best choice, always wondering if there’s someone better out there. Satisficers, on the other hand, set high standards but don’t overanalyze. They make a decision and commit to it. Turns out, they’re the happier ones in the long run. 

Love is not about finding someone who checks all the boxes on a superficial list, but about discovering someone with whom we can grow, communicate, and build a future.

And then there are the Hesitaters — the ones who keep putting off dating until they feel "ready." Ury points out that there’s no such thing as being 100 percent ready, and that waiting is often just fear disguised as preparation. That one hit close to home, too.

One of the most striking lessons from How to Not Die Alone is the idea that we often focus on the wrong qualities in a partner. Qualities like emotional stability, kindness, and the ability to navigate challenges together matter far more in the long run. She warns against prioritizing the thrill of an initial spark over the potential for deep, enduring connection. The best relationships are not necessarily the ones that start with fireworks, but those that develop with time, trust, and mutual respect.

Perhaps the most important takeaway from the book is the reminder that relationships should be intentional. Too many people “slide” into major life decisions — moving in together, getting engaged, or even staying in a relationship — without consciously choosing it. Whether it’s deciding to stay, to commit, or to end a relationship, each choice should be made with clarity and purpose.

This book isn’t just about dating — it’s about us. Our habits, our fears, and the mindsets we carry into relationships. It made me take a hard look at how I approach love and, more importantly, how I avoid it. It challenged me to put myself out there, to stop waiting for perfect, and to start building something real.