Keeping your pants dry on the long road back to Manila

This holiday season, gruesome stories abound on how the estimated time of arrival on bus rides to some provinces has more than doubled.

After the awesome fireworks display and the overflowing bubblies have dissipated, we must all contend with the trip back home.

For most of us, this has been uneventful, but owing to the spectacular number of vehicles purchased nationwide over the last few years, traffic jams are no longer a monopoly of Imperial Manila.

We can argue about the whole-of-nation approaches until we get back to Manila, but for now, let’s just focus on things we can control — our bladders.

Navigation apps can be set up in advance with various stops so that private cars won’t have to be burdened with arbitrarily choosing gas stations, convenience stores, or fastfood restaurants while passengers point them out at 80 kilometers per hour.

The best way to go about it is to compute the time it takes for everyone to feel that they have to pee — usually the youngest or eldest, and then schedule the stops based on time. Avoid using distance as a guide because heavy traffic will give you incorrect travel estimates.

While private vehicles can choose when and where they stop for bladder relief, public mass transit passengers do not share the same freedom.

Although it’s commonly easy to estimate time for pee breaks on buses by distance, the “carmageddons” have drastically skewed that once-go-to forecast formula, chewed, regurgitated and spat it on the side of the road of sanity.

As we await the emergency dappling of roadside portalets, we’re left to consider how best to maintain personal hygiene, dignity, and spiritual purity while hopelessly stuck on the way home.

Let us begin with a tried-and-tested method for bladder control — breathing exercises. According to a 2022 clinical study, diaphragmatic breathing exercises repeated 30 times daily over six weeks worked wonders for bladder control. However, many of us don’t have the luxury of meditating for a month and two weeks straight.

Next, we can distract ourselves. Idle minds tend to dwell on unnecessary things, like the traffic and when the next stop will be. Tourist buses for field trips often offer videoke, which is an excellent way to keep your mind off peeing. Stay away from alcoholic beverages; otherwise, all that high-note belting and whistling will have been for nothing.

Adult diapers may be the most sensible physical intervention, although they can be perceived as unfashionable and somewhat uncomfortable. But if you weigh that mild discomfort against the embarrassment of peeing in your intimate wear, adult diapers suddenly don’t seem so confining.

Boys (and men) should seriously consider dashing toward the nearest trees or bushes during heavy traffic. In desperate situations, they might even resort to deflecting their stream onto the inside treads of the bus tires.

Girls can maintain a semblance of modesty by covering themselves with golf umbrellas or large beach towels as they go about their business. The potential indignity of these measures is acknowledged, yet they may be necessary in extreme situations. It’s crucial to exercise both caution and discretion, all while respecting individual privacy.

For a final word — it boils down to choice. Travel by land, air or sea.

Planes and ships both have the facilities to meet passengers’ restroom needs. It’s up to the travelers to decide which option suits them best: the pricier but faster travel by plane, or the more affordable yet slightly longer sea voyage. Remember that on the open water, there’s no traffic, and you can relieve yourself at will — plus, you can nap like a baby, gently rocked by the waves.