State of the Union

I just arrived from Hong Kong from a week-long celebration of a friend’s birthday, which naturally entailed the consumption of a lot of rich food (ouch, my gouty arthritis!) and the imbibing of top-flight libations (again, ouch, my gouty arthritis!).

In the course of such alcohol-addled discussions of our country’s important affairs, the issue of Chinese bullying in the South China Sea (SCS) inevitably had to come up (along with how cute Alice Guo is, but that’s another story). In the free exchange of ideas, a definite solution to the problem came out, one that we believe (before the spirits in our bloodstream was fully metabolized by our liver) deserves serious consideration: why doesn’t the Philippines just become the 51st state of the United States of America.

Now before you guffaw, ruminate on this: should we become an American state, the Philippine Coast Guard and Navy will instantly become, respectively, the United States Coast Guard and Navy. And while our current naval forces may be the 90-pound weakling in whose faces the Chinese will always kick sand, the People’s Liberation Army Navy (PLAN) is definitely not going to mess with the US Navy, lest the Seventh Fleet come steaming in to rescue their fellow sailors.

No more water cannons, no more severed thumbs. Our marines will suddenly become US Marines, and heaven knows no one messes with the US Marines. On this point, there will be no more debate on the applicability of the Mutual Defense Treaty. Heck, the MDT will be totally irrelevant, as an attack on any of our vessels in the SCS will indubitably be an attack on a US naval vessel with dire consequences to the offending country. Astig!

By the same token, all issues regarding the stationing of US troops and the deployment of war materiel under the Enhanced Defense Cooperation Agreement (EDCA) will immediately cease, for why shouldn’t American soldiers and their equipment be placed here in the Philippines? After all, the Philippines is part of America. Even ballistic missiles can be installed here, for how dare the Chinese prohibit the US from putting missiles on its own territory!

In addition, other fantastic benefits will redound to our country, such as:

1. As a state, there will be two Filipinos who will become members of the United States Senate, guaranteed! We will also have Filipinos who will be members of the US House of Representatives. What prestige! And since membership in the House is apportioned according to the population of a state, as the most populous one, we will have the most number of US congressmen. And we will have the greatest count in terms of electoral college votes for the presidency. We could very well decide who the next US president will be. In fact, a Filipino can even run for president. OMG!

2. We will all become American citizens. Yeah ba! No more long lines and surly consular officers at the US Embassy for visa applications. In fact, for that matter, no more need for an American embassy. We’re a member of the Union! Traveling to California, Las Vegas or New York will just be like going to Davao or Cebu. And we will all be issued US passports! Visa-free travel to 189 countries and territories!

3. Our official currency will be the Almighty Dollar, the currency of the world! No more need for dollar reserves, no more need to go to foreign currency exchanges to convert those remittances. And tax-free shipping of US products such as iPhones, Tesla, tons of chocolates, cigarettes and Playboy magazines!

4. Most importantly, since we will be part of America, we will have snow during the winter. And Comm. Tarriela, having become an American, will have a really nice, sharp nose. We will all have fair skin and some of us may even get blonde hair.

So think about it, guys! In the meantime, let me take a nap to nurse my hangover.