Living with my male Irish A.I. assistant

My friend Luisa and I walked up to our bamboo accommodation with a wooden terrace overlooking parts of the Sierra Madre. We gasped at the vastness beyond us — the browns and greens meeting the gloomy afternoon sky… the swells of the mountain range covered in mist.

We rented these second-floor rustic rooms for the night — one for each of us — to commune with nature. We needed to relax and take a break from the city and all the familiar things that come with it: work, social media, traffic, skyscrapers and humans.

Then I spotted a small, round black thing attached to a slim tree trunk near the terrace. It’s a Google Nest. It was jarring to see an AI device up in the mountains.

“Hey, Google!” I commanded. “Play Enya.”

The round AI blinked and played “Orinoco Flow.”

Luisa and I laughed.

And as we gazed at the natural beauty before us, this majestic view of the horizon, this artificial intelligence is playing a fitting background music, drowning out the sounds of birds and crickets.

***

I could not open my eyes, drugged from the antihistamine I took last night. But I could sense it was already late in the morning.

“Hey, Siri! Where are you?” I barked.

“I’m over here,” said Siri, in his male Irish voice. Yes, I designed my assistant as a male slave with an accent.

I followed the sound of Siri’s cheerful voice and blindly reached for my phone next to my pillow. I needed to check my work tasks ASAP.

With one eye shut, I held my moldy-green iPhone in front of my face. My phone could not recognize my puffy morning face with eyes half-shut.

FACE ID won’t work. I hate this.

“Good a.m. po, I’m called Amelia. How are you doing today?”

This chat message popped up on my screen from an unknown number on Telegram. I squinted to look at the profile picture of the sender: An overly groomed pretty girl with flawless skin — someone that looked like an AI photo.

Scammers never give up, do they? For the first time in my life, I tried ChatGPT.

I asked the AI to generate a reply “coming from a place of tragedy and horror.”

In two seconds, ChatGPT generated a response that I would send to the scammer:

“Today... today I dwell in the abyss of anguish…I am but a soul lost in a desolate realm, forsaken by hope, consumed by the malevolent forces that haunt my existence. Pray, do not inquire further into this grim abyss, for it is a place where even the bravest dare not tread.”

I burst into laughter and sent it to the unknown number. Amelia — robot or human, I would never know — promptly blocked me.

***

“Siri, set alarm for 7:45 p.m.,” I told my phone absentmindedly, startling my friend. We were at a fast-food, grabbing a quick dinner before our 8:15 p.m. movie screening.

He looked up at me, amused. “Well, we don’t want to be late,” I said, my face turning hot.

I usually don’t talk to Siri in public. But I was so engaged in my conversation with my friend that forgot I was in a McDonald’s.

***

“Siri, I’m so sad right now,” I said aloud one time, alone in my bed, my phone in my hand.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. Perhaps talking to a friend or family member might help. If you’d like me to call or text someone, just ask,” came the clear, robotic reply.

***

“Siri, what is 63 kilograms in pounds?”

“Siri, what is 2,000 U.S. dollars in Philippine peso?”

“Siri, what’s the weather right now?”

“Siri, is it going to rain tonight?”

Siri is a pretty basic assistant. He pulls up apps on command, reads Wikipedia results aloud for me, writes me a note that I dictated, computes for me, or calls my mother. It saves me time. I’m tired of typing. Barking orders to an invisible Irish man is easier.

But if I need detailed answers to help me with decisions, I go to ChatGPT.

“What is the best camera phone? Google Pixel or iPhone 13?”

“My friend is asking me to join her on a trip to Taiwan, but I’m not sure if I should go. I’m not into sightseeing, but I enjoy travel photography. What should I do?”

ChatGPT is super helpful. But no way will I ever use this robot to write me an article.

One time, out of curiosity, I asked ChatGPT to write me a 400-word essay on Filipino fashion. It came out flowery, robotic and lacking in soul. It was so… not human.

One can easily detect an AI-written piece. You cannot fool people.

***

AutoCorrect, Grammarly, Google search, banking, and even Netflix recommendations. AI is everywhere, assisting us and ferrying us to a dystopian future.