Alexandria’s pain of loss

(Author’s note: I am giving way to a post of my granddaughter, Alexandria “Bobby” Ayeesa Lanto Gandamra, unedited but abridged for space. She wrote the piece while waiting for the mortal remains of her paternal lolo, Sultan Camid Comadug Gandamra).

As of this writing, I am still grappling with sleep. I cannot get a grip on the reality staring at me. There are so many thoughts running through my mind of my memories with Ama.

Navigating through my best memories of my ama, I stumbled into writing this to somehow ease the pain.

Before the Marawi siege, I could vividly remember how often we visited our ancestral house. I tried to fathom why it was so often and it all pointed to my lolo. If coming up with a reason to celebrate or gather were a musical play, he would be the greatest orchestrator that ever lived. He never failed to find reasons for us to come together as a family.  Mostly, they were trivial reasons but he always made sure that we did gather because that was how much he valued spending time with us, his family.

Growing up, he instilled in all of us the value of family, how it is very important, that it is everything. Up until his last moments, he was very happy whenever his family gathered around his sickbed.

I will forever thank Allah SWT that he gave me a grandfather like Ama. He showed me that good can still exist in a world full of ill intentions and evil. His actions were always aligned with the greatest values he taught us. I will never forget how he embodied and lived what it meant to be genuinely forgiving.

Most people may have looked at him as someone to be feared as he consistently looked stern and uptight on the outside, although he was the total opposite inside. I had never seen him resort to violence, even during times when the world pushed him to be. He would always remain calm, composed, and forgiving.

I often questioned how that was possible, and then I realized that it was because that was who he really was—a man exuding kindness and forgiveness. Because of him, I am reminded on a daily basis that it will never be right to hold hatred in one’s heart, no matter how much someone has wronged you.

Whenever I am or will be faced with a great deal of reasons to be angry or to hold hatred for someone, I will remind myself and ask, “What would Ama do?” And I will remember that forgiveness is always the best and most noble choice.

I believe that it will not be necessary for Ama’s name to be chiseled in stone to be remembered. The values he instilled, the teachings he imparted, and the person he was will echo from generation to generation through the life he lived.

Among the lives he touched, I believe the greatest life he impacted was Ina’s (his wife). He showed that unconditional love exists among the married. He always made sure that Ina was taken care of by none other but himself. When we were kids, my kuya and I used to sleep in their room, and whenever we would wake up earlier than him (which was very rare since he was the earliest bird), we would catch him snuggled tightly with Ina. I found it cheesy before, but now my heart swells whenever I think of it because it makes me so happy to know that there is that genre of love that exists in this world full of cruelty.

Ama, I miss you so much, and I will certainly miss your color-coded outfits. You were truly our fashion icon. Kidding aside, I know I will miss you even more as the days go by. Your reserved laugh, lectures, and everything that made you the person you were. I hope you’re resting now. Rest assured, your legacy will live on. May Allah SWT grant you the highest place in Jannah.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un (Indeed we belong to Allah SWT, and indeed to Him we will return).

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amb_mac_lanto@yahoo.com