Valium addiction’s curse: A true story

(Author’s note. I met3 many Filipino nurses in Rotterdam during my three years of drifting through Europe. Names were changed for privacy.)

Juliet was a young Filipino nurse in a cancer hospital in Rotterdam. About 90 percent of the nurses in the hospital were Filipinos. Juliet and I became instant friends.

JULIET: A cancer hospital smells of death. People just die so fast. Sometimes one or two may die in a week. It is totally depressing.

ME: I understand what you mean.

JULIET: No, you don’t understand. The rule is: never get attached to your patients. Don’t love your patients. But I’m not a robot. All Filipino nurses here are the same. We cannot help but get attached to our patients. I had an elderly cancer patient named Sarah, the wife of a millionaire who owned a candy company.

Let’s listen to Juliet and Sarah talking.

JULIET: How are you today, Sarah?

SARAH: Never better, Juliet. On top of the world.

They would both laugh because they knew it was a big joke. Sarah had stage 3 brain cancer. She would get bouts of excruciating pain. Juliet would give her codeine, a prescribed opioid (derived from opium), a painkiller. The pain would subside instantly.

JULIET: When I noticed Sarah’s extreme pain, I bent the rule a bit and slightly increased her dosage and frequency. After a few months, she literally became an opium addict. Not that it was my fault. Most cancer patients taking opioids become addicts eventually.

At one time, Sarah fell and got a deep gash in her forehead. Juliet cleaned and bandaged the wound regularly.

SARAH: How come when you touch my wound, it is not painful. (Whispering) When Maryke bandages my wound, it is painful.

JULIET: Of course not. That’s just your imagination.

Back to me and Juliet conversing.

ME: I’ve heard of how patients prefer Filipino nurses in the States.

JULIET: I loved Sarah and when she died, I had nightmares. When six more of my patients died in a span of three weeks, I developed chronic insomnia, sleeping for just one hour a day. Their deaths haunted me. I was getting a nervous breakdown. I called in sick often. I started taking Valium regularly just to get some sleep. Valium is a powerful anti-depressant used for protracted anxiety. I would sleep for two days straight during my days off on Valium. I started stealing it from the hospital medicine cabinet.

ME: And you were never caught?

JULIET: Never. Nurses have uniforms with large pockets. I simply took a fistful and dropped it into my pocket. I did not realize I was becoming a Valium addict. Valium is as deadly as cocaine or heroin, only it is legal. In time, I developed a tolerance.

ME: Tolerance?

JULIET: Tolerance means your body is adjusting to the regular intake of a drug, which becomes less effective. There was a time I was taking 50 Valium tablets a day just to be able to sleep. I became a loner, avoiding friends for fear of being discovered. I developed double vision. I had a hard time breathing and felt weak at times. It started affecting my muscle coordination. Once, I fell flat on my face.

ME: Wow. How were you able to kick the habit?

JULIET: There is only one way — cold turkey or complete withdrawal. Withdrawal is dangerous and excruciating. Trying to detox from Valium without professional help can lead to medical problems and relapse to a higher intake. I needed help.

Juliet asked for spiritual rather than medical advice. She talked to Sister Miriam, a Catholic nun at the hospital.

JULIET: Sister, I need your help. Shhh, I am a Valium addict. Doctors are getting suspicious of my frequent absences and lateness.

SR. MIRIAM: You need to go to a rehab center.

JULIET: No way. Everybody will know eventually. I need spiritual advice more.

SR. MIRIAM: Okay then. Let’s go to the chapel. (At the chapel) The Lord is beside us right now. He has his hands on your shoulder. He knows your predicament. Follow after me. Dear Lord, in your infinite mercy, rescue me. I know I have been taking you for granted. Not anymore.

As they prayed, Juliet felt the Lord’s warm embrace. Tears flowed down her cheeks.

Back to Juliet and me.

ME: Your tears tell me you were healed.

JULIET: It was easy with the Lord beside me. I did not need rehab. I did it cold turkey, endured the physical pains, and offered them to the Lord. That’s why He healed me.