NDRRMC scares rain out of me

You’re sleeping. Best you’ve had all week. Rare. Precious. Then: “Waaaah!”

Missiles. That’s the first thought.

The tone is a brand. MTRCB has “Ting-ting-tang-ting-ting!” Netflix: “Ta-dum!” NDRRMC has, “Whaaaatttt the eff is happening!?”

Earthquake? Tsunami? Aliens? Has Taal decided to finish the job?

No. Heavy rainfall.

You look outside. It is, in fact, raining. Very heavily. Coming down from the sky. Fantastic intelligence. Nobody had this information. Thank you, government.

Imagine it going off in the toilet. You’re having a difficult one. You’re at a critical stage where even eye contact would be disruptive. Finally, you have momentum.

“Wahhhhhhhhhh!”

Gone! NDRRMC took that from you! “Orange. Stay alert!”

Sir! I have never been more alert in my life. Every muscle is alert; several muscles actually reversed direction.

Government says the situation is “being closely monitored.” I sincerely hope they mean the weather. For the first time, you desperately want less government transparency.

“Remain indoors.”

Indoors!? It’s an order from the government I am in absolutely no position to disobey. I am sitting completely defenseless with my pants around my ankles. Believe me. Nobody is going anywhere.

Government wants your attention? They have it. Instantly. We finally found a government service with no fixer. And now you’re awake, heart pounding, the entire household standing at attention, so let’s do this. Should we leave? Move the car? Doesn’t say. Which roads are flooding? What does the message want me to do?

Why don’t we use this thing for class suspensions? Seriously. We have this incredible alarm. “Waaahh!” You’re up.

So at five in the morning, six in the morning, whatever: “Walang pasok.” Wouldn’t that be nice?

Because the way we do it now is unbelievable. Kid wakes up at five. Nobody wants to wake up at five, by the way. Terrible hour! Nothing good happens at five.

Takes a shower. Puts on the uniform. Mom makes breakfast. Dad buys pandesal. Everybody’s involved.

And it’s raining. Sideways. They go to Facebook. Nothing. The mayor, useless mayor. You go to the school page. Somebody sends something in the chat. “Suspended daw.”

Daw? Who said?

“’Yung kapitbahay ng tita ko may kakilala sa city hall.”

So the kid goes, of course. What else are you gonna do? He gets in the car. Traffic everywhere because everybody else’s kid is also going.

Rain gets worse. He gets to school. And then, at 7:13: “Classes suspended.”

Oh, thank you very much. You waited until everybody did the dangerous thing and then announced: “Please don’t do the thing you just did.”

Now the parents have to go back. We sent the kid into the rain. Then we suspended classes for his safety.

Nobody sees a problem here? One dangerous journey — that’s too few? For maximum safety, we’re giving him two! “Classes suspended” after the kid reaches school isn’t a warning but an apology.

Maybe government doesn’t have to ruin every morning it touches. We have the answer sitting right there. NDRRMC. That thing could wake the dead. Use it. Five-thirty: “Waaahhhh!” Everybody jumps. What happened? No classes.

Kids would love NDRRMC. They’d hear that alarm and start cheering. It becomes the most popular government agency in the country.

Parents too. Best alarm clock in the world. “You may continue sleeping.”

“Waaaaaah!”

For once, the government terrifies you with good news.